I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My room smells like vodka and shame
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
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