Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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