I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
