She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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