Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
