Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
