he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
