If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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