I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
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we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
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The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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