The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
