The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
