as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
