meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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