life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
