Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
