I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
