I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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