dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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