Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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