Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
