My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
