Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We are all done wearing pants today
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize