Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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