omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
