I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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