You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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