Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
