you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
