i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize