Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
We are all done wearing pants today
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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