I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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