Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Randomize
