I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
