I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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