Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
