At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
