I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
