i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
