he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
