I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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