You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
