Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
