PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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