omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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