I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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