I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
