Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
