Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
