somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
