WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
