So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
