we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I fill condoms, not promises.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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