I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
