Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
