I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
