i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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