He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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